


Hel-lo Mrs Lawson

by WhenIFindLoveAgain



Series: A Bag Of Bash For Passion [20]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Accidents, Background Relationships, British Comedy, British English, Brother-Sister Relationships, Chaos, Chocolate, Comedy, Cooking, Dating, Developing Relationship, Dinner, Disasters, Domestic Fluff, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Honesty, Humor, Implied Relationships, M/M, Male Friendship, Mates, Party, Platonic Relationships, References to ABBA, Romantic Comedy, Singing, Sisters, Trees
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-08-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:00:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26156920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhenIFindLoveAgain/pseuds/WhenIFindLoveAgain
Summary: The Seventeen gang with accompanied sisters and girlfriends come around on a Sunday evening to meet Chan's girlfriend, the longest and most serious relationship yet, with one keen interest; She's the absolute Korean version of Domestic Goddess, Nigella Lawson. Merry Chaos insues
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Lee Seokmin | DK, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Lee Chan | Dino, Chwe Hansol | Vernon/Original Female Character(s), Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Jeon Wonwoo/Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Kim Mingyu/Lee Chan | Dino, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Xu Ming Hao | The8, Lee Chan | Dino/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, Lee Chan | Dino/Original Female Character(s), Lee Chan | Dino/Yoon Jeonghan, SEVENTEEN Ensemble/Other(s), SEVENTEEN Ensemble/SEVENTEEN Ensemble, Wen Jun Hui | Jun/Xu Ming Hao | The8
Series: A Bag Of Bash For Passion [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678627
Kudos: 2





	Hel-lo Mrs Lawson

**Author's Note:**

> I had so much fun writing this; the British sense of humor is the best sense of humor. You get away with absolute murder just about, but, you don't have the vulgarity of the Yanks or the lack-of-product of the empire off-casts (Australia, Canada, New Zealand, etc). It's so irreverent and cheerful, and, I love paying homage to it. I hope you enjoy it :)

"Ey-a, stay out of my snow peas, I need them for my salad, boy." From the verandah in the back garden, Chan, Vernon, and Seokmin watched Chan's very pretty girlfriend Ren preparing a massive lunch while she chatted to Wonwoo who was pinching her salad ingriediants. It was just the weekend, and, ever since everyone had seen a picture of Chan's longest-yet girlriend, everyone wanted to meet her. So, frankly, on Sunday evening, everyone just came around, and, miraculously, there was enough food to feed a army in the fridge, now been tended to by Ren.

Wonwoo dutifully got out of the kitchen as Ren smacked him around the backside with a cooking spatula but wasn't too cruel about it.

"You are literally married to Nigella Lawson." Vernon commented.

Chan choked on his beer.

"You are literally dating Nigella Lawson." Seokmin added agreeably, but, it was slightly better for Chan that the hint of "wife" was downgraded to "girlfriend" by Seokmin tactfully.

"Whose Nigella Lawson?" Chan said. "I've heard it before but I don't know."

"Your wife." Vernon cracked a grin.

Chan made a curious, nervous, low-throated sound like, "Hgnnnngh."

"She's a Jewish-British celebrity cook; really famous for having a really nice figure with big boobs and 60's style make-up. She has the nickname, "The Domestic Doddess"." Vernon explained to Chan after Seokmin calmed him down a little bit.

All three of them looked inside to chan's Mrs Lawson, who, actually, was disconcertingly akin to England's Mrs Lawson. Ren was a size 16 but not a slobby size 16; she was fit with a 29-inch waist and great hips, and even she had said that she'd be smaller if she didn't like food so much. Her wide shoulders carried her naturally HUGE breasts well, and the whole package of her being looked especially good that early evening in black wrap-waist dress. Her thick black hair fell down around her dark olive skin with her old-world korean features, and, the dark eye-make-up around her eyes suited her.

"That really is uncanny, isn't it?" Vernon started chuckling.

and if one of you mentions marrying again, i'll...chan hastily drunk half his beer in one go.

The worst thing in the Universe happened.

"I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do" by ABBA started playing.

Seokmin and Vernon cackled away into the night while fear crept into Chan's bones. He couldn't even imagine who on Earth would have that on their Spotify until he realized that it was coming from a vinyl record in the bedrooms upstairs. Vernon's sister Sofie had been in South Korea recently, and, she got on like a house on fire with Vernon's girlfriend, Daisy. It had to be the two of them messing around upstairs; fifteen minutes ago they had asked Chan where the "piddly-diddly department" was and after Vernon stopped laughing he had justed gestured to the third floor of Chan and Ren's home. "Don't mind them, that's just from when we were little." He said of his sister. "If anyone wanted the loo, when you're about five it's the piddly-diddly department, and, once you're over thirteen, it's either the wazzarium or the tart's wardrobe."

It was the next few moments that truly tipped Chan over the edge.

"Tarts wardrobe?" Seokmin echoed.

"Yeah, because, if you go to a club or a gig it's always the girls running in and out of the loo's every five seconds to check their tits and hair and make-up because they've got the horn for someone - usually the lead singer of the band or one of the bar-tenders." Vernon explained as though it was the most ordinairy thing in the world.

"MUM, COME AND HELP ME!!!" He leant over the railing of the verandah and shouted out to Jeonghan who was at the bottom of the garden with Jihoon. 

Everyone cracked up at his shout. Ren came out from the kitchen and checked on him. "Hey, darlin', whatchoo up to, eh?" She ran her hands through his hair and pressed her nose and mouth against his temple for a moment before going back inside; Chan had got temporarily lost in her touch while Jeonghan climbed up the stairs to the Verndah, and, when Ren went away, his head twisted to the side, looking after her. Jeonghan was smiling while Seokmin and Vernon's mouths hung open. Somewhere else, Seungkwan sung "Thank U, Next" by Ariana Grande, and, that quickly got Seokmin's attention. Thinking he was spiderman, he jumped over the railing, nearly cracked his head open on the lawn beneath, and raced over to where Seungkwan was half sitting up in the Acorn tree on the left side of the huge and old back garden. The house and garden was actually Ren's, Chan having moved in with her and out of the apartment he had been in. Her house was a mammoth sized stucco 1920's house with a four acre garden at a seven-figure-price-tag if it was put onto the Seoul real estate market. Chan knew he had got it on with some serious money, and, honestly, things were much nicer for him if he ignored that fact as best as he could. 

"You've officially out-ranked us all." Jeonghan put a arm around Chan's shoulder while Vernon still stared agog after Ren who now had her whole hand and wrist buried in a chicken back in her kitchen, stuffing it to then roast with five of it's mates. 

"Hey?" Chan said. 

"You've got the big flash old house, the gorgeous woman, the dream job - getting paid heaps to review music? I'd have that off you any day please - and, everything is great." Jeonghan told him. "Look around at the rest of us - Cheollie can't seem to attract anything but a total bint, Shua loses everyone when they find out he comes from a Churchy crowd, everyone thinks Jun is ugly so the poor guy is miserable because you can't change your whole face, right?" Jeonghan rang through his list. "Hey, who else have we got?" He added ironically. "Oh, right, yeah - Soonyoung lost his job because his boss died, everyone thinks there's something wrong with Wonwoo, Jihoon's too angry, Seokmin's sister got diagnosed with breast cancer last month, Mingyu's girlfriend left him for her best friends brother, Seungkwan has had to move out of his flat because it has asbestos contamination, and, well, Vernon's sort of the only one of us - apart from you - whose pretty happy at the moment." 

"What about you?" Chan asked. 

Jeonghan shrugged dismissvely. 

"If you still like him you should say something you prat." Chan tactfully commented without too much emphasis on the subject he knew would send Jeonghan directly on a tram to strop cental and have him on the end of a 95' line duffing-up session.

"Bad boy." Jeonghan slapped him over the head with the same sort of lacking-cruelty that Ren had done to Wonwoo when she hit him around the arse with a spatula. 

The night went pretty well.

Apart from Seungkwan falling out of the Acorn tree.

And nearly hanging himself with the faerie lights that were hung up through the Acorn tree.

Which then made Ren go ballistic.

"Who the fuck put them up there?!" She roared. "It could catch fire, you moronic cunts!"

To say that everyone had gotten a bit frightened by her lung-power was an understatement.

"You've got to understand, she's got a bit of a duality thing..." Chan tried to make amends, seeing his mates good opinion of Ren crumble before his eyes just because she yelled.

"Sorry, love." Chan piped up. He didn't think she'd smack him, and, it turns out, he was right. Ren deflated nearly instaneously with a sigh, and, hands on her hips, gave him a kiss but mumbled for him to use his common sense sometimes. 

"Fuuuuuuuuck...." Soonyoung said under his breath when Chan sat next to him up on the stone-wall edge of the verandah, both of them having grabbed a hunk of one of the chickens that Ren had cooked.

"This place is worth a fortune, of course she doesn't want it accidentally catching on fire." Chan said. "Please don't think she's a bitch, because she isn't. She's lovely."

"You sure?" Soonyoung quipped.

"Yeah." Chan nodded.

"Then, we're all good." Soonyoung beamed, doing his world-famous "Yes, I look like a chipmunk when I smile" look.

Vernon's sister Sofie re-appeared with Vernon's girlfriend Daisy, Daisy carrying the record player. Chan went inside and got a stack of records - some nearly eighty years old - of Ren's and they were put on randomly. One of the first songs played out in the garden that night was "Kristen" by Cigarettes After Sex. 

Vernon got shunted out of a slow-dance by Daisy choosing to waltz with Sofie. Everyone either lounged around on the verandah or in the garden, on the grass or on rugs, not much in the way of outdoor furniture readily availble. Several of them filmed Sofie and Daisy dancing, and, Vernon got his own back but dancing with Seungkwan. Chan nearly choked on another beer when Seungkwan's hand slid down to grope Vernon's bum and he promptly seized Seungkwan's wrist, dragging his hand back up to his waist. 

"We'll never let him forget that." Jihoon remarked of the bum grope, Soonyoung sending him the video on his phone. He grinned up at Chan from where he lay on his side on one of the old tarten rugs. "Be careful with her or I'll take her off your hands." He pointed inside to Ren who was wiping down the kitchen. 

"Doesn't Ren like us?" Seungkwan asked, still a bit startled from nearly dying early, and now breathless from getting a chinese burn off of Vernon in return for his bum grope in front of his girlfriend and sister.

"No, she's just shy." Chan explained. "And she's got all these people in her big beautiful old house that she doesn't know. It's sort of terrifying for her."

The next thing Chan saw was Jihoon in the kitchen with Ren having a cuppa with her as someone put on a Tom Jones record and then they were all behaving like steadily drunk and well-fed idiots under the Acorn trees.

Chan looked over and saw Joshua dancing with Jeonghan and translating the lyrics under his breath into Korean specifically for Jeonghan, but, his attention was soon taken away to something else, but, then, a different something else than to what everyone else was looking at; anyone who had noticed Joshua and Jeonghan dancing rather close together had then focused in on Mingyu dancing with Sofie over his shoulder, knickers on full display, not so much Vernon's sister now as Mingyu's hump. 

But, for Chan, what he focused in on was Ren and Jihoon very close together in her kitchen - and, it was her kitchen in her home in her house - and, before he was really aware of it, his beer had slipt from his grasp and now to the grass.

No one else seemed to noticed either.

The bottle hadn't smashed, but, was leaking the alcohol across the lawn. Chan hurriedly picked it up, and, now, he wished this was one of the times where he had his own place so he wouldn't have to not have the option of now having to stay. 

"Don't look." Chan turned as he heard Wonwoo's voice behind his ear. "Just come with us." Wonwoo's eyes were deep and dark and honest behind the lens of his glasses. "Don't get angry, don't overthink it."

Chan soon found himself by Seungcheol.

"Whatever it is, go in and interrupt it so it's not me she gets the shits with." Chan said to Seungcheol. 

"Hey, what's going on?" Seungcheol said to him. Chan looked at him incredulously. No one had any idea what was going on; they were either drunk or just away with the faerie's.

"Well, look!" Chan gestured inside.

"They're just talking." Seungcheol shrugged at the sight of Ren and Jihoon.

"No wonder you're single or just attract bints, you're hopeless." Chan snapped.

"I'm not hopeless." Seungcheol's eyebrows went up.

"You are." Chan glared at him.

"You're hopeless if you can't talk to your own girlfriend." Seungcheol pleasantly answered, too drunk to actually not be happy over anything.

Chan later reflected that it was incredible how much tension could be relieved from one's being simply by harshly pinching the ears of one's oldest mate.

He went in himself, subconciously wanting to make Seungcheol eat his words about him being hopeless. He couldn't find either Ren or Jihoon in the kitchen, but, then, he found them in one of the sitting rooms. 

"Shhh, she's sleeping." Jihoon whispered to him. And, indeed Ren was.

On his bloody chest. 

It was getting dark and colder, and, it wasn't long until the point came where they'd all decided if they should pack up and go home or should they stay and see if there was a decent DVD collection or NETFLIX connection in the massive old house. 

Jihoon and Ren were on one of the leather-chesterfield sofas in the sitting room; Ren was curled up like a genie, sleeping against Jihoon's body, while Jihoon just sat to one side of the couch, one arm along the back of the sofa. He had been flicking through his phone when Chan had come inside.

Something postively glowed about Jihoon.

"You should marry her." He whispered, pointing down to Ren. "If you want to, that is."

Chan flushed darkly at Jihoon's words. He supposed the party could manage without the main attraction even though she was largely the reason everyone turned up. "Renny?" Chan patted Ren's shoulder, waking her up. "You feeling tired?" He asked. She blinked sleepily, getting with it. "Go and have a lie down, love, you worked really hard earlier cooking for all of us, thanks for doing that, we could have just spent £500 at KFC."

Ren chuckled softly. "No worries, darl'..." She hummed gently. "Night-night, love." She smiled at Jihoon and kissed his cheek before getting to her feet and going out into the hall. Both Jihoon and Chan listened as her heavy body climbed the old stairs, the timber creakingly, sometimes alarmingly. Soon, it stopped.

"What's the obsession with getting married?" Chan collapsed onto the couch beside Jihoon.

"Nothing." Jihoon answered. "We're just saying it as in...don't screw it up and think that you want someone else."

"Where'd that come from?" Chan said.

"It's what you've done with your last three relationships." Jihoon pointed out.

"Actually, it's what THE REST OF YOU HAVE DONE WITH ALL YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIPS." Chan answered emphasidedly.

"Yeah, either that or our people decided to swap us out for someone else; reverse side, you know." Jihoon added mildly.

"Yes, yes, yes." Chan added impatiently.

"You've just got yourself into a huff and you're drunk and now you don't know what to do with yourself." Jihoon read Chan perfectly. Which Chan didn't really like. 

"Sod off." He mumbled groughly. Jihoon chuckled.

"What, did you think I was kissing her neck or something?" He said.

The look on Chan's face was enough to answer. Jihoon chuckled more.

"Are you either just really jealous, really drunk, or really anxious about not being good enough for her or her not quite fitting in with your life since displayed this evening...something like that?" Jihoon asked intelligently. 

Chan looked at Jihoon. "Your brain is so incredible." He said.

Jihoon sort of smiled. "So..." He said. "It's all three, then?"

A few seconds later, Jeonghan...with all the buttons un-done on his shirt, and...a numerous set of things written in black marker across his chest and toned stomach. 

"Hey...uh, we're all on our own out here and we wanted to make sure you weren't getting into a fight of fisticuffs." Jeonghan said, immediately aware that he was intruding on something. "And, uh...what's going on?"

Chan and Jihoon shrugged.

"Dunno, mate." Chan said.

"Is Ren upset about something?" Jeonghan frowned slightly. 

"No, she's just really tired after cooking for nearly twenty people." Chan said honestly.

"The guys want to know if it's alright to come in and wack on the telly or something?" Jeonghan asked.

Chan nodded. "Yeah, that's alright, just don't have a disco inferno." He warned.

"Disco inferno?" Jeonghan's eyes momentarily lit up.

"Yeah, DON'T HAVE IT." Chan growled. Jihoon got a fit of the giggles and tried to cover it up, but, it didn't work.

Jeonghan gulped. He knew his marching orders. "Yeah, yep, understood." He quickly left.

Jihoon whistled softly. "Don't fuck with the king right now, eh?" He chuckled.

Within five seconds, everyone possible was crammed into the sitting room with Joshua, Soonyoung and Wonwoo nearly having a blue about what DVD they were going to put on but doing it hushedly so Ren's inner monster didn't make a re-appearence, and, actually, for the matter, Chan's inner monster didn't come out in full glory to grab them by their cocks and swing them round and round like a fucking windmill.

"Sofie-baby, you recently become one of the infamous big-knickered lezzie brigade or something?" Seokmin said, having just pointed out that Sofia was staring at Daisy's bum while she cuddled up Vernon on the floor, having nodded off, being a tired drunk.

Sofia hurled a cushion at him and Vernon just sat there with a grin on his face while Daisy slept with her head on his chest. 

"I like it when you sleep..." Vernon murmured down into Daisy's ear. "You're a really, really pretty chick and you think you're ugly...hmm." He rested his head on hers.

Jihoon gagged.

That set everyone off. Seconds later, Ren was stomping down the stairs. Wonwoo clung to Joshua, scooting behind him as body armour.

Ren was going to kill them...

...

Or...

Maybe not.

The woman looked a vision with her dark hair everywhere and her voluptous frame beautifully covered in a black silk dressing gown. 

"Hot dog!" A rather shit-faced Vernon wolf-whistled, and, both Mingyu and Sofia launched at him to get him to shut the fuck up, and, in the process, woke up Daisy, who looked so tired she might cry. Ren clucked like a Mumma chicken and came to her rescue.

"Come with me, baby, I've got choccy and strawberries in the fridge..." She rubbed Daisy's back soothingly and took her through to the kitchen.

The rest of the guys stared gapedly at each other.

World war three had just been avoided then.

"Fuck me dead." Joshua opined before slapping Wonwoo to within an inch of his life, the spectacled man having been well-prepared to have Joshua's life taken over his by a angry woman with hu-HUGE breasts in a black silk robe.

"Someone oughta make a film out of this, be bloody fantastic." Mingyu joked to break up the air, grinning broadly.

"I'll need to be put on blood-pressure tablets." Seungkwan neatly keeled over into Seokmin's lap.

"So...did the night go well or not?" Chan looked around the sitting room and asked. "Or did we accidentally fuck it up because we're all morons?"

No one had a clue, but, all in all, it had been fun...

Chaotic.

No, that was it. Chaotic.

"Oh, look what you've done!" Ren and Daisy's hysterical laughter filled the air. "You've got the chocolate on my tits, now!"

Joshua neatly passed out into Wonwoo who was rescued from been smothered by a considerate and caring Seungcheol and Jeonghan diving to get an excuse to feel up Joshua. Never better than when faint, right?

Chan looked down to Vernon and promised himself that even Vernon even showed a slight trouser-snake "problem" he was going to spread it around to the entire cosmic universe.

No, Chan decided for himself. It's been a great night

"Uh...guys?" Mingyu piped up. "Where the fuck and Minghao and Junhui?"

Everyone looked at the other.

Every single one of them had forgotten about the China line, and, more importantly, where the fuck they were.

"How the fuck did we do that?" Jeonghan looked agog to Seungcheol.

"Stop feeling Joshy's arse, you perv, go on, fuck off." Sofias inner Kraut - thanks to she and Vernons Mother - came out and she gave Jeonghan the fright of his life. She stomped across the masses of bodies in the room before leaning over Joshuas.

"Achtung, bitch!" She shouted before giving him a back-hander across the face.

Everyone looked away painfully.

Either way, it did the trick.

"Hey, Sofie-baby, what about Kwannie?" Seokmin asked, pointing down to his lap.

Sofia smiled tenderly. "Oh, no, don't have the heart." She cooed

"YOU JUST DID THAT TO SHUA, YOU BITCH!!!" Jeonghan howled.

They got back to the China-line issue.

"So where are...they..." Mingyu had been halfway through his sentence when the unmistakable shout of Minghao's Mandarin went through the air.

They all oggled Joshua who could speak Mandarin.

"QUICK!" Soonyoung got on Joshua's case, slapping his chest.

"He said, "You want a horn race? Fine!"." The words had barely got from Joshua's mouth when the loudest horn in the world went through the air. 

It nearly killed everyone.

"That sounds like the horn of a Mercedes -" Wonwoo started, his Dad having a keen interest in cars and had battled the knowledge of them into Wonwoo's head since he was a baby.

"600 Grosser." Seokmin answered, his Dad also having a thing for cars. Especially European cars.

Everyone looked at the other.

"RUN AWAY!!!" Soonyoung and Seungkwan like a pair of nutters shrieked together.

Absolute chaos then insued with Chan howling for no one to break any of Ren's antiques while Jihoon marvellously got into a precise position in the disaster to kick the living shit out of Seungkwan's shins and roar, "SEE YOU'RE AWAKE THEN, YOU PRAT!"

As everyone in the throng rushed out into the back garden, not a single one of them heard Ren say in the kitchen to Daisy, "Oh, lovely, Hao-hao's here with the car."

All the guys crashed down the verandah into the grass, half-collapsing into each other and others commando rolling, before, they all jumped the side gate of Ren's property and rushed out the front. The sight that met them made them gawp like gawping things on smack.

"HEY!" Both Minghao and Junhui waved at them, in a absolutely TITANTIC dark green vintage car, sticking their arms out of the windows and flashing the headlights. For all the disaster and stupidity unfolding, the car was in absolutely beautiful condition - even though the model had been solely invented for Hitler by Mercedes family who like to rim him - and looked perfect in Ren's driveway beneath the Acorn and Elm trees and her cyprus box hedging.

"That is fucking mammoth." Seungcheol pointed at the car.

"Yeah, I never thought I'd see something bigger than Kwannie's arse." They nearly pissed themselves laughing at Soonyoung's response but then Soonyoung ruined the effect himself by cuddling Seungkwan and telling him that he didn't mean it like that so Seungkwan didn't get into a bad way.

"Hey, guys, sorry we're late!" Minghao perched his black Lennon glasses down the bridge of his nose, climbing out in ripped skinny jeans, a white shirt, and a dark purple and white striped robe with his mullet-cut hair looked quite dishy and a huge smile on his face. But...Junhui was wearing a calf-length linen skirt with cod printed on it, one of his shirts, a denim jacket, and his converse sneakers with a trilby hat and quite a embarrassed expression on his face.

"What the fuck are you doing in my wife's skirt?" Chan asked.

"UWU!" Absolutely everyone shrieked delightedly.

Chan had referred to Ren as his wife.

Said wife appeared through the front door.

"Thank you so much for getting the car for me from Jimin's." Everyone stared as Ren kissed Minghao on both cheeks and then grabbed at him. He neatly ducked out of the way before smacking her on the arse. They both laughed, and, Chan nearly had a fit. He forgot about Junhui in Ren's skirt. Why the fuck was Minghao smacking her arse?!

Meanwhile, the boys pre-occupied themselves with the Benz while Chan boiled away like a pot on the stove.

"It's literally like a long walk around it." Jihoon said after doing a lap around the vintage vehicle.

"Changed my mind, it's not the Titanic, it's an aircraft carrier." Jeonghan remarked in relation to a earlier comment, taking pictures on his phone and then having fun with Joshua by leaning across the bonnet like Yank pick-up girls from the 40's and then getting pictures on the sly of Junhui in what seemed to be one of Ren's skirts.

Oo-er.

Chan soon found out what was going on, and, after it, Seungcheol, Vernon and Mingyu had to practically carry him inside while Jeonghan and Ren cooed at him over the boys shoulders and Minghao stayed a safe distance away so we wouldn't be on the recieving end of a blood nose. It turns out that Minghao had met Ren earlier in the week, having bumped into her at a cafe where he got his coffee each morning before going to work, and, well, there was no mistaking her tits and face and hair in one of her long dresses that she always wore. It also turned out that Minghao could drive a manual car, and, when Ren said to him she'd pay him a hundred quid to collect on of her grandfather's cars from a place where it had been getting restored because she had "dinner" to look after, who'd jumped at the chance?

That skinny git had.

All the while, Junhui was left helpless and naked to the intense observation of the rest of the guys, scuffing his toe into the ground as they all nit-picked him to death about the cod-covered skirt.

"Got covered in oil at the car-restoration joint and all the guys there nearly had a heart-attack. Just about stripped me in the work-shop, and, thank God, even though it's covered in cod, this was in the boot." Junhui pointed down to the skirt. "They burnt my jeans; apparently the oil would never come out so they just put them into the wood-fire they have in the offices upstairs from the work-shop."

"I didn't know you had a mechanic fetish." Joshua teased.

The rest had to stop Junhui kung-fu-kicking Joshua's head in. Fat luck anyway. He tried do but the tight-grain on the skirt stopped him and he went arse over head.

"What was the thing with the horn, though?" Jihoon asked Junhui as they went back inside.

"Oh, some cock down the road couldn't back into their garage and we were waiting for a good five minutes and then, well, Minghao's inner Chairman Mao came out and he did his nut." Junhui explained simply.

Jihoon cackled.

"What a life we have." He chuckled. "Oh, too, you missed the best part earlier...yeah, yeah, yeah...Seungkwan nearly hung himself from an Acorn tree in the back garden with the faerie lights..."

"Do you think he'll be alright?" Seungkwan asked Joshua about Jeonghan.

Joshua shrugged. "Hope so." Joshua said. "Because I really want to ask him why he was nuzzling my neck earlier."

Seungkwan went bright red and Joshua sort of smiled.

"Joys of the things to come, eh?" He said softly, winking at Seungkwan as Ren fished out a bottle of vodka for Chan who had his legs up on the kitchen table, and, someone bloody well put that ABBA record on again.

"So

Love me or leave me

Make your choice but believe me

I love you

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do..."

**Author's Note:**

> By the way, Merc. Grossers do have the loudest horn in the world, AND, every dictator has owned one. Including Mr. "I can't grow a proper moustache because I'm a sub-human twat" Adolf Hitler, who, indeed, Mercedes family did suck up the arse of


End file.
